New England Biz Law Update
Ask the Coach appears regularly in New England In-House. Two
expert executive coaches, Dr. Lew Stern and Linda Lerner, share their thoughts
and ideas in answering your questions on complex management and leadership
issues and difficult work situations.
We are excited to be able to bring together the depth of
experience and insights that these two coaches offer. The topics for this
question and answer format will be based on your questions and those most
frequently asked by their clients. Lerner and Stern will respond to one or two
questions and we reserve the right to edit questions for clarity and length.
Have a question? Send it to: [email protected]. (No
names will be published.)
Dear Executive Coach:
Throughout my career, the number of hours that I’ve
worked usually exceeds almost everyone else’s in the company. I work like this
because I believe it is necessary to get the job done and to get it done well.
I have missed many family events and my children’s activities due to my work
obligations. Now my doctor wants me to develop a regular exercise routine and I
just don’t have the time. My wife calls me a workaholic and I believe that she
does not understand how demanding the corporate world really is. Whether or not
I am a workaholic, I am beginning to be concerned that these long hours are
hurting me. I cannot seem to cut back and I would appreciate your suggestions.
Answer:
People can get stuck in patterns of behavior, maintaining
bad habits where they lose perspective. Workaholism is one of those behavior
patterns. Like other addictions, workaholism is a problem when excessive work
and/or perfectionism are difficult for you to stop and prevent you from
satisfying your other needs and those of the people for whom you care.
Working exceedingly long and hard hours, beyond the norm, is
often driven by the fear that you won’t be able to compete and be viewed
positively without working much harder than everyone else. We try harder and
work longer in the hope that we may be able to make up for a deficiency that we
perceive we might have even when others see us as competent.
Others of us are driven to excessive work and perfectionism
to avoid other things in our life that we would be facing if we weren’t
spending so much time and effort at work (like an unhappy marriage or a lonely
apartment).
The goal is to break the cycle and to begin by doing things
differently. It is usually best to start in small ways such as setting a
specific time to leave work, let’s say a half hour before your usual time and
put that time in your calendar. Also schedule your lunches, even if you only
end up walking around the block for a sandwich. Surprise your family by showing
up when you say you will and then begin to see what happens.
Try anything to enable you to look at the behavior from a
new angle and hopefully more objectively. When you actually change a pattern
you get a lot more data about yourself than you expected. Pay attention to the
effect that your reduced work schedule has on your productivity at work and on
what you do outside of work.
When possible, involving a friend or a spouse in your
process can move you forward more effectively. When you commit to meet a friend
for a walk or a session at the health club, you are more likely to keep that
appointment. Your letter suggests that this is a career-long work style for you
and therefore you may need to try several alternative approaches, such as
reading a book on the subject, getting help from a professional, or talking
with others who have dealt with the problem themselves. Trying several
approaches at once may increase your likelihood of success as you strive to
break free of this entrenched pattern of behavior.
Dear Executive Coach:
There’s someone who has been working for me for several
years who tends to be more focused on her own agenda than caring about others
or willing to listen when talking with me and others. I always know that when I
see her coming to see me she wants something. When we talk, she usually does
most of the talking. Even when she asks me a question she’s either looking for
a certain answer or an opportunity to convince me of her point of view. This
has been getting worse lately and several of her co-workers have talked with me
about her commandeering meetings. I’d love to discuss this with her and get her
to work on it but I’m not sure we’d have much success. Can people really change
something as basic as being self-centered and a talker? Is it really worth
investing my time and resources in trying to get this woman to change, or am I
better off cutting my losses and finding someone else who is more likely to be
a better team player?
Answer:
Often what appears to be the character or personality of a
person is actually just bad habits. Still more often, when someone you work
with has trouble focusing on others and letting them talk, the person is
overusing or misusing her strengths of being independent and expressive.
But I’ve encountered many people who have exactly the
problem you describe and they have changed and improved to be more
“other-centered” and a better listener. There are several factors that will
make or break your effort to help a person like this.
You have to be straight with her about what she is doing. In
a supportive way, your words to her would go something like this:
“Almost every time I see you or others see you coming, you
seem to want something from us and rarely show interest in what we are doing or
how you could help us. Although you often have many good things to say, you
talk so much that we don’t have much of a chance to get a word in edgewise. I
want you to be successful in your role. For that to happen, you will need to
start focusing more on others and less on your own agenda and start doing a lot
less talking and a lot more listening. What do you think?”
As this woman’s supervisor, you have to decide if you are
committed to supporting her through several months of concerted effort to
change her behavior.
Once you let the woman know what and why she has to change
and that you would support her in the effort, you have to assess her willingness
and readiness to work on the change. Ask her to seriously consider and get back
to you in a few days with three answers: Does she accept that she needs to
change? Does she think she can do it? And, if you are willing to give her the
help she needs, is she willing to work hard to make it happen? The more she
“owns” it and is ready and willing to put herself into it, the more likely she
will succeed.
You may need some help from an internal human resource
professional who has expertise in coaching and development or from an external
consultant who has a strong background in communication and changing how people
deal with each other.
An expert in this area will be able to better assess the
woman’s readiness and ability to make this happen. You cannot change someone’s
personality or their natural inclinations, but in most cases you can have real
impact on how she focuses on others and get her to stop talking long enough to
listen to what they have to say without dominating conversations.
Assuming you want to move forward with this, you can expect
it to follow a path something like the following.
She’ll need to first become more aware of exactly what she
is currently doing and how it affects her performance and her co-workers.
She’ll need to learn new strategies and skills to deal with people differently.
She’ll need the opportunity to practice her new communication, first in a safe
environment in coaching or training, and then in real work situations with
feedback and support. Once she starts to make the changes, it will take a few
months before they stabilize and then she will need repeated feedback and
positive, private recognition.’
Dr. Lew Stern is president of Stern Consulting, and is a
senior level executive coach and leadership consultant with over 25 years
experience working across many industries in the U.S. and abroad. He is the
chairman of the board of The Executive Coaching Forum, and is a frequent
speaker and writer. He can be reached at [email protected], or at
781-235-0205.
Linda Lerner coaches executive managers and professionals
in various fields. Her coaching and human resources experience provide
consulting on best practices to a broad range of businesses. Previously she was
senior vice president and member of the Executive Committee at USTrust. She
serves as chairman of the Stonehill College Human Resources Certificate Program
and is principal of Lerner Consulting Services. She can be reached at: [email protected] or at
617-262-2260.
